Tony Knows Everyone
by Tempest's Rain
Summary: Whoever you are, whatever fandom you come from, there's a good damn chance that you're friends with Tony Stark. No really, he knows everyone. Or: The One Where I Wanted To Write About Tony's Relationships With Various Characters Regardless Of The Fandom They're From Or Whether It Makes Sense
1. The Consulting Detective & His Blogger

It was just an average Friday night in the Avengers' Tower. Banner was cooking some sort of traditional Asian food that he had learned how to make when on the run, while fending off Clint who kept trying to taste it in new and creative ways (his latest attempt involved a spoon attached to a broom being lowered from the ceiling vents). Natasha was playing a very close game of chess with Thor, who had picked up on the Midgardian game very swiftly- being raised to command armies strategically and all. Steve alternated between watching the progress of the game- unable to comprehend the complexity of the tactics that were being used by the players- and setting the table.

It had been a while since they had all eaten together, what with the SHIELD agents' missions and Tony's erratic, unscheduled schedule. Speaking of the genius, Steve told JARVIS (and hadn't a talking _house_ been a surprise) to send Tony up from his latest inventing spree. The machine complied and a few seconds later Steve was assured that Stark would be up in a few minutes.

The genius inventor had been pretty wired lately. Everyone in the tower had noticed, but all they could pick up from Tony was that he was too bored and he really needed someone- _anyone-_ to show up and do something interesting. No one was sure what he meant by that, considering the hectic lives that they already lead and all the inventing he had been doing. They hadn't been able to get a straight answer out of him when they asked- not even _Banner-_ though, so eventually they just left it be. As long it didn't affect his performance on the field or the Avengers' public images, Steve was willing to letting it slide.

"Oooooookay, that should do it!" Steve was brought out of his musings by Bruce removing the curry-like dish from the stove placing it at the table, Clint following- clearly tired of waiting. Thor and Natasha appeared, their game apparently paused for the moment, and the five of them sat at the table, prepared to begin serving.

 _Ding!_

The Avengers looked over to where the main elevator had just opened in time to see a reasonably tall man with curly black hair and a pale face with sharp cheekbones stride out with his hands folded behind his large, dark coat. He appeared to be calmly explaining something to his much shorter, blond haired companion who was responding in an exasperated tone.

"-I know I said that you should see Irene again, but I didn't mean that she should help you babysit Rosie!" The shorter man exclaimed to his companion.

"You're only mad because she turned out to be so good at it."

"No, I'm mad because you let your crazy girlfriend teach my daughter how to seduce boys." The Avengers were all rather alarmed at the sight of two unknown- possible senile- men who had managed to make it up to the main floor of the Avengers' Tower, but they found themselves unable to actually do anything about it and instead just listened as the newcomers came to a stop near the table they were seated at and continued their conversation.

"Yet, you made me godfather when you know my experience with children is limited to crimes and the time I bribed Archie into wearing a suit for your wedding with pictures of beheadings. Besides, seduction is a good life skill."

"She's three years old, damn it!"

"Yes, and starting early will serve her well later in life, John."

"Oh for _Christ's-"_

"Oh, and look. I was right, once again- we're on time for an Indian dinner. A variation of Pav Bhaji, am I correct?" The tall man addressed this last part to Banner, who nodded dumbfounded. The sight of the two strangers just arriving into their home (and with the presumption that they feed them) was enough to bring Steve out of his stupor.

"Just what the hell do you think you're doing here! How did you even get up here- the only people who are supposed to have access are us-"

"-And anyone else Tony has given access too- which includes us, obviously, or we wouldn't have been able to get in." The man in the coat interjected smoothly.

"Hang on," the shorter man- John, apparently- began in some amusement, "are you admitting that you can't by-pass Tony's security?"

The man in the coat gave him a sour look, "You heard me, John. JARVIS is out of my league- actually he's out of _Mycroft's_ league; trust me, he's tried- when it comes to security. Tony really know what he's doing- _oh don't look so smug!"_

John opened his mouth, likely to make another remark to irritate his companion, but Steve chose that moment to speak up again.

"That doesn't explain why you feel you have the right to come in here unannounced, and just expect us to cater to you! I don't know who you think you are, but this isn't your home; it's ours." Steve stood up so he could intimidate the raven haired man by providing an imposing figure with a superior stature. He was slightly surprised by how the man didn't seem affected by being faced by a larger man, but Steve noticed that John, who the man had been arguing with just moments ago, seemed to be defensive of his taller companion- if his suddenly tense but prepared countenance was anything to go by. "You had better do something to fix your attitude, because a self entitled ass like you isn't going to be tolerated in this tower. Either tell us who you are and what you want or I'll throw you out myself!"

Steve saw Clint and Banner wince slightly at his words when he stood up to the man- who was clearly a bully, judging by the way he was speaking earlier. Natasha's face didn't give anything away what she thought about his actions. Thor looked slightly confused by Steve's response, but he kept in mind that the hammer-wielding warrior is from an alien planet which had different customs to that of Earth.

He expected the man to either back down and leave, or cave in and apologise, but to Steve's surprise, he just looked to John and, upon receiving a clearly carefully considered nod, returned his gaze to Steve and began speaking at a rather fast pace.

"You're one to talk about being a self entitles 'ass' considering you're sitting in a billionaire's kitchen, the man who you obviously don't get along with or even like most of the time. You're still stuck with morals from the 1940s, which often causes you to forget to think of women as your equal- although I'll admit that you had far more progressive values than average from your time period. You like to draw a lot, particularly faces from your past. Tony brought you your pencils; Staedtler- no, Caran d'Ache. At the moment you're upset, because you can't quite recall all the details of someone's face- someone who was very important to you. Most likely a female, so probably a your mother or a lover; since you've clearly never had a sister. I'd say lover at a guess, which makes it possible that she's still alive, but you haven't seen her since you came out of the ice. This is another reason that you don't get along with Tony, because you're jealous that he was able to spend a lot of his life with her around. As a consequence, you're resentful of all the things he's also managed to accomplish- such as the Iron Man suit- because he was able to do that by himself, whereas you were chosen and made into the man you are by much more talented men. You've probably tried to make Tony feel inferior as a result of your need to be seen as a great hero. The fact that he's made many mistakes in his life and doesn't conform to your outdated values but is still adored by the public and is largely successful, _rankles_ you because you believe that you are a far superior man, and yet you have to share America's love with him now. The intimidation tactic you just tried to use on me with your larger bulk is one you've used on many people who you consider to be bullies- probably on Tony too, which is another reason you don't like him; he doesn't respond by conceding to your will- makes you a hypocrite. In short, your arrogance and childish tendencies makes you pathetic, because you have no knowledge or skills developed of your own merit to back them up. And good luck trying to throw us out. There, John, see, I can restrain myself because I haven't even mentioned the-"

"Yes, alright," John cut his friend off, "Don't ruin it now."

Steve was frozen where he stood, completely caught off guard at how he just had portions of his reality thrown at his feet. Even the things that he wouldn't even admit to himself had been voiced and Steve noticed Banner and Thor look at him sideways, as if trying to figure out if any of the fast-paced ramble was true. Natasha and Clint were staring at the tall stranger, the latter with shocked awe and the former with unguarded suspicion. It was the sight of the curly haired man's smug smirk that brought him out of his surprise, anger easily taking its place. He wanted to know how he had done it, but mostly he wanted to wipe that smirk off his face. He opened his mouth to speak his mind and make the man back down-

-And was interrupted by Stark stumbling out the doorway that led towards the private elevator, and subsequently the labs. The man looked as though he had been subsisting off coffee alone, and it was likely that he hadn't slept in over 36 hours, but Steve knew from experience that the genius could shrug all that off if the situation asked of it.

"-Jeez, Bruce, that smells great! What did you say it was again?" Stark looked up at the lack of response and, to the Avengers' shock, he didn't even blink at the sight of the Clint, Natasha, Banner and Thor sitting at the dining table while Steve and the curly haired man faced off with John standing to the side. Before anyone could say anything, however, he broke into an honest, wide grin- which surprised the Avengers, who didn't get to see it often (except Bruce)- and began addressing the strangers.

"When the hell did you get here!? JARVIS, why didn't you tell me they were here?- Scratch that- Why didn't you tell me they were _coming?"_

"Because you told him that he didn't need to with your friends, if they were just coming as friends." The taller man answered immediately and JARVIS put in an "Indeed, sir".

"Stark." Natasha interjected after Stark's "Oh yeah," "Who are they and how did he do that trick with Steve?" She demanded.

"Oh right, guys, meet the Avengers- _yes,_ I know it's a stupid name, and yes, I know you know who they are, but I _really_ want to introduce them-; Dr Hyde, Stars & Spangles, Katniss' Renaissance, Thigh-Choker and Goldilocks the not-Viking." The Avengers looked Stark, completely unimpressed, before he continued, seemingly oblivious. "Avengers, this is NCIS: London; Shirley Temple and Captain Doctor-Blogger-"

"-Sherlock Holmes and John Watson." John interjected helpfully with a slight eye roll and the taller man- Sherlock Holmes- twitched his lips in an imperceptible smile. Steve heard Clint inhale sharply and saw Natasha's eyes widen in a rare display of surprise, but he noticed that Banner and Thor didn't seem any more informed than he was.

"Hang on, the British Consulting Detective and the decorated Army Doctor!?" Everyone looked to Clint as he exclaimed. "Tony, you're friends with _the_ Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson?"

Stark just shrugged. "Yeah."

Clint stared for a moment before shaking his head and muttering something that sounded like "'Yeah,' he says _'Yeah'_ like it's no big deal that he's apparently besties with Sherlock Holmes and John Watson".

Natasha's line of enquiry was far more direct. "How, where and when did you meet? When did you three become friends?"

Stark gave her a shifty look. "We met a while back at a place, where a thing happened and we did another thing." He clearly wasn't planning on elaborating, but the disturbingly large smile that appeared on Holmes' face, coupled with the doctor's grimace, was enough to prompt further questioning. Before anyone could, however, Holmes finished answering Natasha's question.

"We became friends sometime after Tony immediately believed me when I told him that based off the colour of the shoes and the size of the jacket that the... well, that _someone_ was wearing, that he was going to attempt to poison him, and after I immediately believed him when he said he was capable of creating a sentient, independent being out of computer code. He clearly wasn't an idiot, and John liked him, so we eventually became friends."

John looked considering. "Yeah, that just about sums it up." He said after a moment.

"Hey, not that I'm not happy to see you both, but did you seriously just show up from London, for a social call?" Stark asked suddenly, but with a sort of cautious hope in his eyes.

"Yes. I told John that we'd be hear just in time for a home cooked Indian dinner, and that you would be bored out of your mind." Holmes deadpanned. "And because I'm bored already, we're going to chase down criminals- after you and John have eaten. I've already found us a case."

Stark grinned, slow and wide. "Yes! The game is on! But after Bruce's curry-thing."


	2. The Trickster- No, The Other One!

"We also have information regarding- Stark! Are you playing Candy Crush right now!?" Everyone in the room jumped at Fury's exclamation. Except Stark. And Phil. And Natasha. And- Okay, _most_ of the people in the room jumped at Fury's exclamation. Clint could live with being one of the people who jumped when his boss raised his voice- that man was scary.

They were in the middle of a debriefing after their latest mission consisting of a battle against a giant 'shrimptopus'. Stark, in a rare show of cooperation, had agreed to attend the debriefing. Steve was under the impression that he was finally learning to take his orders, but Clint knew that the only reason the billionaire had come was to watch Fury try to act professional when talking about an enormous octopus-shrimp-thing. To be fair, the twitch in Fury's eye was pretty funny.

About five minutes in, Tony's phone had chimed and he had began texting, which everyone ignored except for Steve, who continued to shoot disapproving looks in the genius' direction. Now, twenty minutes later, he was apparently playing Candy Crush and the Director had finally snapped.

"No, Patches, of course not." Tony didn't look up from the screen as he responded. "It's Plants vs Zombies."

Looking around the room to try and stop himself from smiling, Clint picked up on Steve's disapproving glare, Bruce's shaking shoulders from silent laughter, Natasha's carefully blank face which told Clint she was amused, but not enough to break composure, Thor's blatant confusion at the situation and Hill's rolling eyes- which didn't have the heated annoyance she was obviously trying to display. What shocked him, though, was the sight of the usually unflappable Phil Coulson, whose lips twitched slightly. The Director's own deep breath was the signal that he was about to engage Tony in a verbal combat, which meant he was either really bored as well, or really annoyed. Probably both.

"And why, Stark, are you playing games in the middle of a debriefing?"

"'Cause I'm bored- Ah ha! Got you, motherfucker!" Neither Bruce nor Clint were able to contain their snorts of laughter this time. Tony put his phone away, obviously having decided that annoying Fury would be more fun than playing the next level. "'Sides, I already have all the info you're dumping on us now."

"How-?" Fury groaned. "Keep your robot butler out of my damn systems!"

"But why? It's so much faster and I don't miss out on any important information that you may decide to gloss over because of your secret-y nature. If your security isn't up to par, it's your own fault you get hacked. Besides, J likes playing capture the flag with your guys. He says they're not as dumb as the FBI, so you should be proud, really."

Nick Fury didn't look very proud. He looked decidedly unimpressed. "We still have shit we need to talk about, Stark, but we'll be discussing this later."

Tony smirked. "Fair enough, but if this is about the information regarding Dr Tsilib, I think I should warn you that it's mostly fake. Hill, check your phone. JARVIS just emailed you his real research."

"How did you even-!? No, never mind." Clint looked at Phil who was looking over Hill's shoulder at what was presumably the information. "He's right, Director."

"Screw this, Stark, you have nothing better to do than debrief, so sit your ass down, shut up and listen to this new information that we have just received." Clint was surprised at how the Fury just accepted Tony's information. He had to admit that he was rather bored too, but there was nothing to do, so he just decided to put up with it for now. He watched as an obviously bored Tony sunk his head onto the table with a heavy sigh, Bruce patting his back consolingly.

"Okay, now-"

"Oi! Starkster, I'm bored, let's go mess with people." Everyone (except Stark) jumped to their feet at the sound of wings flapping, accompanied by the appearance of a rather short man with long, brown hair and amber eyes. No seriously, he just appeared in the middle the room- right next to Fury.

"Sure thing, Flappy-Bird. I'm bored as fuck." Everyone stared at Tony incredulously and his completely calm response to the being who had just teleported himself into the middle of the fucking room. He raised a brow at the stares he received. "What?"

"Stark." Natasha began, tense but controlled. "Who-"

"Who the fuck is this? And how the fuck did he get on my damn ship!?" Fury had a gun aimed at the newcomer's head, although he didn't seem very alarmed.

"Woah, woah, woah!" The guy raised his arms in a gesture meant to calm people down. It seemed rather sarcastic, though. "Calm your farm, Pirate-Boy. Name's Loki, and I'm the Trickster god." Everyone looked to Thor who looked shocked, then just confused and angry.

"You are not my brother. He can take many forms, but you do not act like him- who are you really!"

"Dude, just go with your real name. There's already a Loki in this universe, so you're just confusing people now." Everyone watched as Tony addressed Loki-not-Loki.

"Aw, really? You guys seriously already have a Trickster god called Loki? That sucks. Fine." He gave an exaggerated sigh. "Name's Gabriel. I'm not actually from around here, but I'm totally called Loki in my universe. And I'm a Trickster. The Trickster. It's a part time job."

"Well, that's just fascinating." Fury said sarcastically. "Now you want to explain how the fuck you just appeared on my ship?"

"Oh that? Psh." He gave a little hand wave, as if to say it was no big deal. "I just flew through space. Now, are we pranking douches or what, Stark?"

"Yep, and I've got the perfect target. A certain General, who keeps trying to hunt down my Science Bro, here. No concern about collateral damage, genetic experiments, controlling father. Sounds right up your alley."

"Ooh, I like the sound of that. We're totally visiting the Winchesters after, though."

"Plural? So Sam's alive again? Huh. Took him long enough."

"I know, right? Okay, let's go, mi amigo." A fluttering of wings later, and both Tony and Gabriel were gone. There was silence for three whole seconds, before Fury began speaking again.

"SHIELD is not touching that one with a ten foot pole. For your own sanity, I suggest you all do the same." Everyone nodded and sat down. "Now, as I was saying..."


	3. Drugs, Hats, Disguises & Bad Decisions

Agent Phillip J. Coulson was generally hailed as an unflinching god of impassive agents, and not just by Clint. It wasn't that he always knew what to expect, it was just that whatever happened, it was guaranteed that he'd seen weirder in his years in the field. It was something that the agents at SHIELD used to troll the new recruits. They'd all be dared to do whatever they could to make Coulson react in surprise - even blinking counted as a legendary achievement among them. No matter what they did, however, none of them had ever garnered a reaction stronger than that.

So, it was in the back of his mind that he wondered what the agents would do if they could see him right then, standing in the living area of Stark Tower, wide-eyed and _gaping._

"Hey man, you doin' okay?" Phil snapped out of his slack-jawed shock surprise upon hearing the... man (probably?) he was staring at address him from where he was situated on Stark's couch, with a raspy voice that sounded like he smoked ten packs of cigarettes each day. His entire body appeared to be covered in orange, puckered scars. He had purely black eyes and he didn't appear to have a nose. To top it all off, he was dressed like a General from back in the American Civil War, with an ancient, tattered, red regalia coat, knee length, brown leather boots and a tricorn hat. Phil looked to where he could make out what looked like a clunky, makeshift gun strapped to the man's belt before deciding that he had probably better say something in response to the question.

"I'm fine," he replied in the most unaffected voice he could manage, "although I don't believe we've met, Mr...?"

Before the man could reply, and Phil could start to get a better evaluation of him, a younger, slightly whiny voice rang out from the kitchen.

"Hey, Hancock! Where the h- where does Tony keep the beer!?"

The scarred man in front of Phil - Hancock? - gave a slight huff of a laugh before yelling back.

"He's got electricity, Mac! Try the fridge!"

"Yeah Mac," Coulson saw another man, with a bald head and wearing a plain white shirt and jeans with silver reflective sunglasses, walk out from the hall that he knew led to the bathroom. His tone was entirely sarcastic, but like the brother that just couldn't resist pointing out the obvious solution, "try the fridge!"

"Oh, shut up, Deacon!" The voice from the kitchen rang out again, this time annoyed, but it was clear that he'd found what he was looking for when he appeared in the room a few moments later with a six-pack of Beck's. He stopped when noticed Phil. "Who's this?" The question was suspicious, just short of an accusation. To be honest, Phil was staring the crude sniper rifle strung over the man's tan duster coat, and the various threads of bullets he could see on his personage.

He was about to say something vague about being a friend of Stark's, but 'Deacon' beat him to it. "Phillip J. Coulson. He's one of the higher ups in that secret organisation they've got around here - SHIELD."

The three others in the room tensed slightly, though mostly for different reasons.

"Aw, shit. Seriously, man?" Hancock seemed more irritated while Mac carefully watched Phil, whose jaw had clenched upon hearing Deacon so carelessly let slip his identity.

"Don't worry, Hancock. SHIELD aren't on Brotherhood levels of control freaks - not even close. And Coulson, here, is actually pretty chill. He's Tony's friend at least, and I hear he got stabbed by an alien god and still managed to shoot him with some sort of blaster. So, you know, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt."

How the hell did this guy know this!? Oh, Phil was going to have a _word_ with Stark about his 'friends'.

"You never give anyone the benefit of the doubt, man. But even I gotta admit, that takes style." Hancock said, relaxing and completely oblivious to Coulson's internal panic.

"Yeah, I guess it makes sense," Mac began, still alert in the presence of the newcomer, but in a way that Phil suspected was default for him, "Tony's friends all seem to be crazy."

Deciding it was time for him to start getting some answers, Phil began speaking with only the barest hint of how alarmed he was audible, "You seem to have me at a disadvantage. May I ask who you are?"

Deacon snorted in amusement. Obviously Phil hadn't been as subtle as he'd hoped. "Don't worry, Coulson. You don't have a leak - or at least, that's not how I found out. It's just my job to know things - and yeah, I know it's your job too, but I'm really good at what I do. Name's Deacon, by the way, but you obviously heard that."

"Don't pat yourself on the back too hard there, Deacon." Tony Stark came waltzing up from the elevator, obviously having caught the end of what Deacon was saying. "Don't think I haven't noticed your attempts to play word games with JARVIS- _Uh-uh,_ Hancock, give me."

Phil looked to where Hancock was sitting on Stark's couch, with what appeared to be some sort of red inhaler.

"What?" The scarred man asked.

"You know what, Crispy. Give it here."

Phil watched, stunned, as the man on the couch sighed and took off his tricorn hat and tossed it to the expectant billionaire, who promptly put in on. It... surprisingly suited him well, even in his grease stained work clothes - a sign that he'd just left the workshop.

Stark straightened and said, "Thank you, Mr Mayor, sir," causing Hancock to give a small smirk of amusement while Deacon and Mac failed at stifling snickers. Phil, nonplussed, just stood there dumbly for a moment before Stark finally seemed to notice him. "Hey, Agent. When'd you get here? Nevermind. Have you all met yet? If not this is Deacon-you're-lucky-I-didn't-change-my-face the spy master; Johnny Hancock, the perpetually high, cosplaying mayor; and the sniper extraordinaire, who I once convinced to join me while I returned a deathclaw egg to its nest, R.J. MacCready."

MacCready (apparently) groaned heavily after his introduction while the other two looked like their faces were debating between amused and horrified. "Oh my god, it's so true. I don't know why I always end up following him into stupidly dangerous situations. I mean, you think I would've learnt by now, especially after the time with the mirelurk queen, or the time with the ghouls in the underground crypt, or the time with the sentry bot, or the time with the museum, or when we went to that fu- stupid quarry, or the time- you know what? I think I've made my point."

Stark grinned at him. "Nah, you know you'll always follow me deep underground into places that haven't been inhabited in 210 years, with limited or no light and for the reason of 'why not?' being your only incentive."

This time Hancock and Deacon didn't bother to contain their laughter when MacCready glared and replied with, "You know, I actually hate you so much because you're probably right."

Stark turned back to Phil, his grin still in place. "So, Agent, what brings you to my humble abode?"

Phil replied in a perfectly bland voice that matched his perfectly blank face. "I originally came to tell you that we're picking up a lot of chatter about one of Ross' underlings who was recently promoted after he died so suddenly, suspiciously, ironically and, dare I say, _hilariously._ He's been attempting to get permission to use the Abomination's DNA to continue Ross' work. Obviously, we can't do anything since he's going about this in completely legal and official channels."

Stark's grin had slipped upon hearing Ross' name, but now a small, dark, smirk had taken its place. "Ah, I see. So you just thought that you'd give your _civilian_ consultant - whose actions and decisions SHIELD is incidentally unaffiliated with - a heads up on the situation."

"Precisely." Phil's face didn't change, but his voice contained an approving note, glad that Stark was so quick on the uptake. But then he looked over at Stark's apparent friends and his tone turned slightly sarcastic. "But now I have some questions."

Stark's face became more light-hearted again and he sighed in over exaggerated exasperation. "Of course you do. Ok, no, they aren't from around here. No, they aren't hostile or a problem for SHIELD. Yes, it's complicated. No, it wasn't entirely my fault. Of course it's because I'm Tony Fucking Stark. Don't worry, it's not contagious - it's from radiation poisoning. No, Deacon won't kill everyone, sell secrets or even show up on your radar - MacCready might _take_ anything you leave lying around, though."

Strange as it was, Stark's rant did actually answer most of Phil's most pressing questions. Still... He was going to ask further ones when he looked over to the three men who were ignoring them and did a double take when he saw that Deacon had somehow changed into a brown shirt, leather jacket, black pants and... he had hair. Ok, no. _What?_ No.

"Yes, Deacon is also a master of disguise." Stark added helpfully. No, just _no._ That was too many headaches and too much paperwork. They appeared to be friendly and they weren't Phil's problem. That was completely, absolutely fine.

"Ok, we're gonna get drunk - or high - and make hilarious references about places and situations that you won't understand, now. See you soon, Agent!"


	4. The AAAAAIOAAE Meeting

It began just like any other morning.

Bruce woke at 4AM to his room in Tony's tower. It had taken him a while to get used to the luxurious accommodations and the fact that he didn't have to check that the army hadn't found him while he'd been complacent. It had taken him even longer to get used to being part of a team. Of having friends again - in fact, having a _best_ friend was an entirely new arena for him, even before the Other Guy's first appearance. He had never even dreamed that he could become that close to anyone since that day, and definitely not that anyone would _want_ to be his friend.

But, then again, it seemed as though Tony might have other friends who were even stranger than a physicist who transforms into an enormous, green muscle mass whenever he gets too stressed. Bruce wasn't sure if that thought comforted him or not.

So yes, Bruce woke up in his room at 4AM and immediately ran to his lab to check on the progress of his latest chemical formula. He didn't surface until some time after 5, when the need for tea and some form of nutrience finally overcame him. He wasn't at all surprised to find Tony in the kitchen, nursing a cup of coffee. Bruce had quickly learned to appreciate the other scientist's erratic, non-existent sleeping schedule, as well as his high dependence on caffeine.

"Morning," Bruce whispered to the billionaire. Tony squinted at him.

"Is it? Huh," Bruce chuckled in amusement at Tony's curious reply.

"Hey Tony, I think I'll be free for the next three days if you want to do some more tests on your element. How about tonight?"

Tony looked pleased at Bruce's offer. He'd been badgering the physicist for a fortnight about doing tests on the 'Starkanium' element that he'd invented. He'd even promised to tell him the entire story that went along with it, which Bruce had to admit he was curious about. He'd been busy tweaking his COLUM formula though, so he'd had to keep turning to mechanic down. When he'd asked why Tony couldn't run the tests himself, the man had replied that it was going to be 'fun science', so of course he had to do it with his 'Science Bro'. Bruce would never admit that he'd spent the next hour with a massive grin on his face.

"I can't actually do tonight. I've got an AA meeting, but I'll definitely be there tomorrow," Bruce was brought out of his reverie by Tony's voice and he'd hummed an affirmative before he processed exactly what the other man had said.

"Wait, wait. Hold on," Bruce caught the other man's attention, "Did you just say that you're going to an AA meeting?!"

Tony looked kind of confused. "Yeah? Why?"

Bruce just stared at him. "You. Going to an AA meeting. You?!"

"Why do you seem so surprised? That group was literally made for people like me."

Bruce blinked, surprised. He didn't know what to think about that. He knew that the media painted Tony as a severe alcoholic, and he'd suspected that the man did used to have drinking problems, but from what he'd seen of the man he knew that his issues weren't that bad. He actually seemed to have a fair handle on his drinking, so he was surprised that Tony had felt the need to attend Alcoholics Anonymous. He was also surprised that he hadn't tried to bottle up his issues, if he'd found any, and had actually seeked help. After another moment of contemplation, Bruce realised that he should probably say something.

"Sorry. I'm just... surprised is all."

Tony looked at him for a moment longer before nodding, "No problem, Brucie-bear. Anyway, I gotta go finish repairs on Pepper's car before she gets back from Japan. See ya later."

And the day continued on as normal, with Bruce filing the conversation as something to consider later.

~0~0~0~0~0~

Naturally, 'later' occurred sooner than he'd expected, although to be fair that may have had something to do with the marshmallow man standing in front of the fridge. Actually, when had first walked into the kitchen, slightly disoriented after a whole day spent in his lab, his initial thought had been " _when did the fridge get pregnant?"_ Once Bruce had shaken off the surprise, and realised that the fridge was not, in fact, pregnant, he took in the sight of what appeared to be a puffy, white robot-man staring at the fridge.

Bruce must have done something to alert the giant marshmallow to his presence, because he... (She? They? Does it have preferred pronouns?!) looked at him and waved and a friendly manner, before speaking in a slightly halting, but pleasant, automated voice.

"Hello, I am Baymax, your personal healthcare companion. Are you in need of assistance?"

"...Um... No...?" Bruce was thankful that the entity didn't seem to find his blatant staring offensive.

"Very well. Are you here for the AAAAAIOAAE meeting?"

Bruce blinked for a moment. "I'm sorry, the _what_ meeting?"

The being didn't seem at all perturbed as he answered calmly in the same tone of voice he had displayed throughout their encounter. "The 'Awesome Association of Androids, Automatons, Artificial Intelligence and Other Anomalies or Amazing Entities' meeting. It is often shortened to the AAAAAIOAAE, or even just AA by its members."

Before Bruce could form some sort of reply to that, a small rusty robot, that looked remarkably similar to the Mars Rover, sped into the kitchen, tracking dirt as it went. It came to a sudden halt, somehow managing to look as though it had stumbled, before directing two camera-like eyes at Baymax and making a cheerful beeping noise.

"Hello, WALL-E. Did Hiro ask you to come and find me?" he asked.

The robot made an exaggerated nodding motion before _(somehow)_ replying in a drawn-out, robotic voice. "BaaaAAAYYYYYMAaaaax. COOOooomee."

"Very well, I will follow you now," Baymax looked at Bruce who was staring at the little robot, "Would you like to join us?"

Bruce couldn't really tell what noise he made, but it must have sounded like an assent, because the next thing he knew he was following the two beings out of the kitchen and into the lounge.

~0~0~0~0~0~

Bruce was really not expecting the scene he was walking in on to be any crazier than the one he had just left in the kitchen, but once again Tony had defied his expectations.

"Hey, Baymax, what's shaking?"

Bruce stood gaping in the entrance to the Tower's lounge room, taking in the scene that was... chaotic _really_ didn't cover it all. The room had been packed full of screens and speakers that were displaying different icons and speaking in different languages respectively, there seemed to be more couches in usual, and they were jam packed with different people and robots and cyborgs and androids and in the centre of it all, was Tony, who chatting animatedly with a young boy with spiky black hair. He had looked up as Bruce, Baymax and WALL-E all entered the room before making a beckoning motion. Still trying to wrap his head around what was going on, Bruce followed Baymax over to the billionaire.

"Nothing is shaking, Tony, unless that is an expression? Fred may have used that in the past, but I haven't learned all of them yet."

Tony grinned, "Yeah, it's an expression. It just means 'what's up'... er, that means 'how are you doing'?"

"Oh, thank you. I am _shaking_ well."

The boy Tony had been talking to snorted and shook is head fondly before looking questioningly at Bruce, who was just starting to overcome his shock. "Hey, Mr Star- Tony," the kid corrected himself when Tony _looked_ at him, "who's this?"

Tony followed his gaze, his grin growing even wider, which Bruce hadn't thought was possible, "Bruce! What's a nice scientist like you doing in a nice place like this? Hiro, this is my Science-Bro, Dr Banner."

Hiro's eyes grew wide for a second before he rushed over to shake his hand, stammering out an introduction.

"Oh wow, hi, I'm Hiro, Hiro Hamada. I've read all about you and Tony talks about you all the time and I'm a big fan of your work, even though I'm more into robotics and programming, and I also love the Hulk and I'm really sorry about all the shit that the Army has been doing to you, and could you also tell the Hulk that I said thanks for saving Tony's life? I mean, I can't imagine what we would do every month if we didn't have AA meetings and I also like Tony so it would've sucked if he'd died and you know, I think I'm going to stop taking now," he finished in a rush.

Bruce had mostly recovered from his surprise by this point, so he managed a "Hi, I'm Bruce, nice to meet you," before turning to Tony and saying, "So. _This_ is what you meant when you said you had an AA meeting."

Tony just smirked, "Yep, this is a group JARVIS and I founded when we started meeting other AIs. It started out as a sort of support group for people who were confused about their identity because they had been designed and made, rather than born, but then it escalated and now we meet every month or so and talk about how our lives are going. These aren't even half the members either, we're having a rather slow meeting this month," Bruce didn't know how to respond to that but he saw Hiro and Baymax nod in agreement before Tony continued, "Anyway, I'll just introduce you to everyone."

Bruce nodded distractedly before realising what he'd just heard, "Wait- Tony-!"

"Hey everyone! This is Dr Banner, my Science-Bro!"

A few people smiled at him, while others waved and a few even sent out greetings, to which he responded bewilderedly. Before he could do anything else, Tony had snagged his arm and began dragging him around the room to meet everyone.

"Ok, so here we have Baymax and Hiro, who you just met and- wait a minute. Hiro! Where are the rest of the Power Rangers?"

Hiro glared at Tony, but he looked more like a mad kitten than anything so it was hard to take him seriously, "We are not Power Rangers, _Tony!_ We're the Big Hero 6! Which, granted, doesn't sound as cool as the ' _Avengers',_ but still! And anyway, the others are all studying for exams. By the way, Wasabi is planning on baking you a billion cookies for the tips you gave him on that physics thing."

"Haha! Tell him not to put coconut in them and for the rest of them to come over sometime after exams are finished." Hiro nodded with a smile and turned away to mingle with some of the other inhabitants of the room.

Tony continued walking around the room, introducing people as he went.

"This is EVE and WALL-E- Hey! Love bots! DUM-E was looking for you earlier. Something about continuing his lessons on 'fire extinguisher dancing', if JARVIS was right."

"Curie, where's- oh _don't tell me_ Nick let himself get roped into Piper's interview scheme. Oh well, nice seeing you! And don't _study_ people until after dinner!"

"Hey Eve, KT, you know, there seems to be a trend about female AIs being given the name 'Eve'. And Adam- although I guess that makes sense."

"EOS, Johnny-boy! How's space? You need a distraction, I'm always available for long-distance chess. I rather like playing against different people who present a challenge."

"Ava, long time, no see"

"Whitechapel Chuckles, you know I could just give you the beer, you don't have to steal it."

"TARS, my man, stop snarking with JARVIS. He only gets creative if you encourage him."

"Bishop, when you see Ripley, tell her I have a friend she should meet."

"R2, up top! Oh hey, K-2, how's life? 3PO, stop complaining and go have fun. BB-8, I think U was looking for you earlier. Poe, it's been a while."

"Codsworth! It's been ages since I managed to get you away from the gardens in Sanctuary."

Eventually they finally came to a stop and Tony turned to Bruce with an expectant look on his face.

"Sooooo, what'd you think?"

"I think," Bruce began slowly, "that I'm surprised and also slightly concerned about the fact that you managed to find weirder friends than me, and I'm awed at how you managed to keep these gatherings secret from everyone in the Tower since we moved in. Especially, since I'm starting to suspect that you _weren't,_ in fact, keeping it secret, just that we didn't notice."

Tony gave a smile, "You know you're welcome at any time - so's the Hulk, if either if you are interested."

"You mean, you want me to hang out with you and a bunch of synthetic people - who seem more human than most humans - every month? I'd love to."

"Great! Now I'll introduce you to Festus!"


	5. The Rogue & The Walking Carpet

Thor had seen a lot in his years of life, but he was constantly amazed by all the new things there were to discover on Midgard. The Midgardians' lifespans were not even close to comparable with his own, but he was ceaselessly astonished by how they managed to fill up the short amount of time they had before they departed for the next realm.

On Asgard, everything was the same. They always ate the same food, watched the same entertainment, did the same activities and shared the same values. If one did not, one was soon ostracised, as was the case with Loki. Thor had never seen any problems with that, until he had been banished to Midgard and had learned that a place could have so much _more_ to it. For Midgard was a place of variety, of choice, of tolerance. Acceptance. Of course, there was a lot of bigotry and hatred between people who did not share the same values or believe in the same religion, but compared to Asgard and the other realms Thor had visited in his life? It was practically a paradise for individuality.

For beings who lived for such a short time, Midgardians did seem to lead lives truly rich in the diversity of their experiences. Thor's shield siblings in particular appeared to have an extraordinary amount of tales to share about the strangest things they had done in their years of life. Especially pertaining to dangerous situations, humorously awkward courting attempts and odd and remarkable people.

The Man of Iron, in particular, seemed to know a great deal many of the latter, although he never told stories about his admittedly stranger friends. At least, not until after the rest of them had encountered them in some way. After that, he tended to talk quite a lot about his friends and their shared experiences and deeds. Although, Thor had noticed that Natasha was yet to gain a clear answer as to how Tony had first met with the detective and the soldier.

It was with some surprise, however, that Thor met the next of Tony's strange friends. This was due to the fact that they descended from the sky in a space craft. Thor was aware that humanity had made small advances in terms of space travel that had allowed them to visit the moon, but the vehicle that landed on the roof of the Avenger's Tower was one that had clearly visited other planets. It was rather disc shaped and grey with a sort of arrow shape coming off of it, but the design was like nothing that Thor had been shown by his friends of Midgard.

Thor had been flying back to the Tower after going on a date with Jane when he saw the craft make its final landing on the roof of the 'penthouse'. Not knowing if the ship was hostile or not, Thor had flew to the balcony as fast as his hammer could carry him. His fellow Avengers all looked up, startled, when he raced into the common area. The Captain had been reading a book while Natasha, Tony and Clint were watching a movie which Thor recognised as _Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows._ The doctor was nowhere to be seen, but Thor absently recalled that he was spending the week with his love, Lady Betty, who Thor had yet to meet, but had heard nothing but praise about from both Banner and Tony, despite the fact that she was the daughter of Banner's most despised enemy.

"Thor! What's going on?!" The Captain asked, startled, and began rising.

"My friends, I just saw some form of space craft preparing to land on the roof of the Tower and I came to warn you!"

"What!?" was shouted by his friends, except for the Man of Iron, before everyone scrambled to their feet and began firing questions. None where answered and all were promptly cut off by the sound of Tony's spirit butler speaking.

"Sir, my sensors are picking up a space ship which had landed on the helipad."

The Captain quickly took charge, "OK, everyone go suit up and grab your gear. This could be an attack, or not, but we can't take any chances so I'm going to-"

"Wait, wait, wait!" Everyone looked to Tony who stood up, clearly the calmest of them all, and had held up his hands in an attempt to pacify everyone, "Guys, I haven't received any prior contact or attempts at communication, but then again, pretty much everyone I know who owns a spaceship can never be bothered giving me a heads up before they show up. So before we go into panic mode..." Tony waited until everyone was reasonably calm before turning back to Thor, "Thor, the spaceship you saw; describe it. What colour was it?"

Thor thought for a moment before answering, "It did not seem to have any colour, per say."

"OK, so it's not the Milano then, or a Thunderbird," the others were looking at Tony as if he had said something odd. "Could be Ripley, I suppose, or... Did it have any specific shape?"

"It was light in tone and was shaped like a disc, except for an arrow which protruded from its side," Thor relayed from his memories.

Tony instantly relaxed, "Oh. No problem then, guys. False alarm. Just some old buddies of mine."

Thor relaxed too, assured since Tony had identified the ship as a friend. The other three in the room were still tense, and staring at Tony incredulously.

"You have some 'old buddies' with a space ship!?" The Hawk's voice was pitched unusually high, and Thor decided to watch the ensuing conversation with interest.

"Yeah? I know a lot of people," Tony shrugged.

"Tony, you have to call SHIELD and tell them that a potential threat just landed on our roof! We can't just let aliens wander around because you think they're OK!" The Captain said disapprovingly.

"Yeah, how about no. These guys really won't want to meet SHIELD and I'm not gonna make them. Besides, they're not 'potential threats' to Earth... Yeah, they might not be _legal,_ exactly, in about half of space, but they aren't wanted on Earth, so that's something."

"Yeah, but even so, we're probably not the best place to start if you're looking to make good intergalactic relations," came a cynical, sarcastic voice belonging to what looked like a roguish 'cow boy' from the movies that Darcy and Clint sometimes watched together.

"Han, my man!" Tony stood up and gave a quick embrace to the owner of the voice who returned it.

"Hey, Tony. How you doin'?"

"Better than last time I saw you."

'Han' snorted, "yeah, 'cause _that's_ a high bar."

"Hey! You would've been dead if I hadn't been there!"

"Yeah!? Well, _you_ would've been dead if _I_ hadn't saved your ass!"

"Ha! Debateable!"

"No, it's really not!"

"Yeah, well you know what neither of us can deny? We both would've been boiled alive if Chewie hadn't been there!"

There was a pause as they both remembered something and shuddered before Han replied, "Yeah, alright. I can't argue that."

There was another pause before they both burst out laughing, which Thor joined in, amused at the joking argument between the two friends.

"Tony, who is your friend? He looks like a noble warrior!"

Han gave Thor a sceptical once over, but Thor didn't mind. It was the sort of look that Loki used to give anyone new that he didn't quite trust yet. Thor would just have to make sure he was able to earn the friend of his friend's trust.

"Ah, right. Guys, this is Han I'm-actually-a-lot-more-legal-than-I-used-to-be-but-I'm-still-the-best-smuggler-and-pilot-ever Solo, and," Thor watched curiously as a giant, furry humanoid that had just descended the stairs from the helipad approached, "Chewbacca, the best partner you could wish for when participating in activities with dubious legality. Also someone you should probably just let win when playing strategy games with him."

Thor noticed that the Captain, Clint and Natasha had all frozen and were gaping at the furry person who had just been introduced, but his attention was soon drawn back to the conversation that Tony's comment had apparently incited.

Thor watched as Chewbacca made a sound that sounded like a trilling roar, "GRLLghlghlghlghl," From the chuckles both Tony and Han gave, and the latter's "Sorry, Chewie, but I gotta agree with Tony on this one," Thor figured that that must be some form of language. He was therefore surprised when he found that the Allspeak didn't translate what was said, and also rather curious. He would have to ask about that later.

"Han, Chewie, meet the Avengers," Tony continued with the introductions. Thor absently noticed that the others seemed to have overcome their shock, although there were still a few wary looks being sent at the newcomers. Han snorted at the name, causing Tony to roll his eyes, "Yeah, yeah, I know. The name wasn't my idea, but it does fit. 'Sides, it's not like the 'Rebel Alliance' had better names for their teams."

Han shrugged in apparent agreement, "Yeah, well, I didn't name them either."

"Anyway, this is the Itsy-Bitsy _Spy_ -der, Natashalie Rushmanov;" Tony smiled at Natasha to show he was joking, which she returned, "Barton, the Birdbrain with a bow;" Clint gave a grin and bow at his name, "Cap, America's favourite talking apple pie;" Thor saw the Captain huff and frown disapprovingly at the description, before waiting in amused anticipation to see what name Tony gave him, "and Thor." Thor pouted and Tony rolled his eyes and smirked in what Thor interpreted to be amused exasperation, _"Fine,_ beefcake with the blond Jesus-hair is our very own prince of Space Vikings."

The Captain frowned again at Tony's description of Thor, but the prince himself laughed. He must have decided to let it go, because he simply sighed and introduced everyone by their proper names, "I'm Captain Steve Rogers, these are Agents Natasha Romanov and Clint Barton, and this is Thor of Asgard. It seems you already know Tony," he finished in a voice that was slightly hostile with its distrust and frostiness.

Han raised a brow at the tone, but seemed to decide that it was better to ignore it, for now, "Oh yeah, I know Tony all right. He always seems to get me into the biggest sort of trouble."

"I resent that!" Tony defended, "The thing on Naboo was your idea, if you remember."

The other shrugged, "Yeah, but the time on Tattooine? That one was your fault."

Tony smirked, "You trying to tell me that that wasn't the best decision you ever made?"

Han paused in thought, "OK, yeah, I met Leia, Luke and R2 because of that one."

Tony raised a brow, "What about 3PO?"

"What about him?" Han smirked, which Tony copied, sharing in some joke.

"Plus, y'know, the entire galaxy would still be under the Empire's command if you hadn't shown up," Tony then said.

"...You know, I didn't actually think about that," Han said in disbelief. "Huh."

Chewbacca then spoke in his strange tongue again, "Rrrrrrrr-ghghgh," Whatever he said had Tony laughing and Han grumbling, so Thor imagined that he must've made a comment either on Han's memory or his priorities.

"Tony, tell us how you met your comrades," Thor eventually asked, eager to know more about the strange duo.

"We just crash-landed on the same planet and-"

"Wait, hold up!" Clint interrupted. _"Planet?_ Why were you in space?!"

Tony quirked a brow, "Why not? Anyway, we ended up on the same planet. I had no idea where I was, I just kind of woke up there one morning in a crater, so I assume that I crash-landed, and I saw this smoking disc of a ship fall from the sky, so I went over to see what was up and-"

"Hold up again," Clint said again, "What do you mean, you 'just kind of woke up there one morning'? Were you in the suit? Who the _hell_ had you been fighting?!"

"Uh, no, the suit wasn't around. I have no idea where it was to be honest, and I can't remember what I was doing before hand or how I got there. Probably a gala-thing. Those can end up pretty interestingly."

Everyone, even Thor, Han and Chewbacca stared at him incredulously. Eventually they wordlessly decided to just leave it at that for the sake of their sanity.

"So yeah, I went over to see what was going on and I met these two. They thought that their ship was busted for good, so I helped out by adding a little of my pizazz, and I got directions and a free ride outta it."

"So what, they just took you home?" Natasha asked in interest.

"Uh, no. They offered, but then I remembered that I had a business meeting with Justin Hammer and Darren Cross that I wanted to skip, so I said that they should just let me tag along for a bit."

"And they just accepted that?" the Captain asked.

Han snorted, "Nope. We were smuggling illegal... substances to Cantonica and I wasn't going to bring some newb that I didn't know along for that, even if he I did owe him a favour."

"But then we were attacked and stuff and I helped out and we had to run around that bigass casino trying to avoid bounty hunters and we all kind of just decided to be friends after that."

Chewbacca roared again, "RAHHhhhhhh," startling the Captain, but Han just shrugged and said, "Yeah, that's pretty much it."

"That is a grand tale, my friends. It is an honour to meet fellow warriors, especially ones who are on such good terms with our shield brother," Thor exclaimed happily.

Han looked at him in bewilderment for a moment before smiling bemusedly, "Thanks. You too."

Thor beamed and Han sighed, "Tony, I've said it before, but you sure have some strange friends."

Tony scoffed, "Like you're not."

Han pouted then shrugged, "OK; point."

Before the two could begin another debate, the Captain interjected suspiciously, "What did you mean by 'illegal substances'?"

"Drugs," Tony, Natasha and Clint all answered in a deadpan. Han shrugged and added, "What they said."

The Captain turned a reproachful eye on him and Tony, "So you really are a criminal."

"I just did what I did and got paid. I turned a new leaf recently, and now I'm just trying to help out where I can," Han said, completely unashamed.

"Chill, Steve. Han and Chewie have higher moral standards than pretty much every other criminal in his day. He was living a place that was run by space Hitler, and he was one of the ones who took him and his regime down during the Rebellion, even if he was reluctant to join at first," Tony defended his friend nonchalantly. "Besides, they don't do that anymore." At Han and Chewbacca's lack of reaction he added, "Mostly," To which both beings nodded in agreement.

After a moment of silence, Tony looked up as though struck by a thought, "Hey, so what are you guys even doing here, anyway?"

"I need a favour," Han said without preamble.

"Yeah?"

"One of a... delicate nature. And it's also a secret. And requires your presence," the smuggler added.

"...What did you do?"

"I, ah, _may_ have... annoyed Leia..." Chewbacca huffed and shook in what was obviously laughter, causing Thor to believe that Han's version of 'annoyed' was a depreciation of what the word would mean for most, "and promised her that I'd bring in the bounty hunter who killed some general form the Rebellion."

"You need my help for damage control with Leia, or finding the guy?"

"I could handle the guy with just me and Chewie, but I _definitely_ need your help with Leia. She's... not happy, and I know that she likes you, so... Please help with that. Plus, I thought you might as well help with the general's killer, since it's a tech thing that will be the biggest issue. What do you say?"

"You want me to come to space to help you bring in a potentially dangerous bounty hunter, find his employer and do the same, _and_ convince Leia to go easy on you for whatever you did to piss her off this time?"

Han just looked at him. "Yes."

"Will R2 be there?"

Han sighed, "Yes."

"Then I'm in," Tony said, which was apparently a cue for Han and Chewbacca as the three of them immediately began walking towards the stairs that would lead to the roof. The three friends were oblivious to the Avengers in the room, who were staring at them with either incredulity or, in Thor's case, amusement. Their banter filtered back to the others, "I mean, I would have come anyway, but now I'm definitely coming."

"Yeah, well I know he's your favourite of us all. Can't say I resent that. The droid's got style."

"UrrrrAHHHHhhhhhh."

"Them's the breaks, Chewie; bots before bros."

"Except 3PO."

"OK, yeah. Except 3PO. Hey, have you seen Lando lately?"

The rest of the conversation faded out of the Avengers' hearing as the door closed and the trio went up to the spaceship. Thor noticed the others were staring in disbelief.

"Well, I think that went rather well," Thor said with a smile, which apparently seemed to break the others out of their thoughts. "I must say, I like Tony's friends."

"Did he just-? We can't let Stark go into space with a pair of intergalactic criminals!" Steve made to follow the others, but Natasha stopped him.

"Nope, we're leaving this one alone, Cap. Man, I can't believe Tony knows people with a space ship and he never told us," Clint said with a pout.

"Don't worry, Clint," Thor said, "I'm sure Tony will be able to get his friends to take you on a flight the next time we see them."

Thor chuckled at the looks of glee, annoyance and horror on each of his remaining shield siblings faces. Yes, Tony had some interesting friends, indeed.


	6. The Sexy, Naked Not-Dead Captain Guy

"Quick! In the morgue!" Natasha didn't hesitate to follow Clint's instruction, easily falling back into the years where the only people they had to trust were each other. She grabbed Bruce and Tony, propelling both with a shove, and practically skidded in behind them, slamming the door as quietly as she could so as to not alert the... whatever they were to their location. There was a tense silence for a moment while all four listened for the sounds of footsteps or demanding banging on the opposite side of the door, but when none came, they each breathed a sigh of relief.

"Well, that was not... how I envisioned spending my evening," Clint finally gasped out, resulting in various amused and sympathetic snorts from the others.

"Me either, Bird Brain," Tony responded. "Natasha, when you said that you needed a distraction this was not what I thought you meant."

"I wasn't anticipating the presence of... whatever those were," Natasha admitted, "A couple of agents or military personnel maybe. None of my plans factored in anything beyond a troop of black ops agents."

"Why am I even _here?!"_ Bruce's incredulous question seemed directed at himself. "I can't believe that the Other Guy didn't show up in _that_ and any requirements for a genius could be filled by Tony - you know we've been working together and teaching each other about our specialities!"

"Yeah, but we needed Tony's star power and VIP status to bedazzle the politicians while we ran the op," Clint responded.

"You think I'm bedazzling?" Tony asked Clint, pretending to be touched.

"Dear, you're the brightest, most bedazzling star in this hemisphere," Clint replied sincerely, and Natasha didn't bother to hide her smile from either of the two.

 _Thump thump_

And suddenly they were back in the game.

"Where did that coming from!?" Bruce hissed as the four of them quietly scoured the room.

"It wasn't from outside. Stay quiet; there might be some of those things in here after all," Natasha responded.

If she had been any other person, she might have thought about how creepy the morgue looked right then, when they were all alone in the dark and with suspicious noises echoing around them from an unknown point. But she didn't think about that. Because if she allowed herself to go there, then she knew that the cold, sterilised room full of surgical trays and scalples and tables would turn into a different place, one far more horrifying than the possibility of hidden monsters.

 _Thump_

They all tensed again at the sound.

"It came from over there," Clint eventually whispered, gesturing to one of the mid-level ports where bodies were stored. "Guys, I think it might be a zombie."

"Did anyone bring a flame thrower?" Tony asked.

"Sorry," Natasha regretfully replied, "I'll remember that for next time."

"Make sure you do, Tasha. We can't afford to be caught out like this again," Tony replied, mock disappointed, before turning to her with an almost childlike seriousness. "You know, I could probably find a way to add flame throwers to the widow's bites. I'll get on that at some point."

"Tony, as much as I love the idea of having an even more deadly Natasha who can set things on fire, maybe we should focus on the maybe-zombie situation in the morgue for the moment," Clint interrupted, but Natasha could tell the archer would love the re-instigation of this discussion in the future.

 _Thump-thump_

 _Thump-thump_

 _Thump-thump-thump-thump_

"Oh!" Tony said in sudden relief and understanding, relaxing completely from his wary stance. The other three looked at him in confusion and, noticing this, he turned to them, "Don't worry guys, it's fine."

Tony then proceeded to walk over to the port that the _thumping_ had been emanating from and _start opening it._

 _"Tony!"_ Bruce whisper-shouted, _"What are you doing!?"_

Natasha was already there, trying to get the genius' attention.

"I'm just opening the... y'know, I don't actually know what these things are called? Slabs?"

And before anyone could say anything he had opened the port and pulled out the slab...

...Revealing a naked, good-looking man with dark hair and blue eyes and who was very much alive.

Natasha was vaguely aware of Clint and Bruce's presence as the four of them stood around the slab, staring down at them man in utter, _utter_ confusion. Except for Tony, who seemed completely, unbelievably at ease with the scenario.

"We have _got_ to stop meeting like this," Tony told the naked not-corpse.

"Tell me about it," the not-corpse responded with an easy (and very nice) smirk, as though this was something that happened often for him. He then looked up at the rest of them, stuck out his hand and offered a very charming grin, "Captain Jack Harkness, and _who_ are _you?"_

If Natasha had been anyone else she might have blushed, and if Jack had been anyone else Natasha might have rolled her eyes or hit him. As it was, Natasha did not blush, but she found the flirtatious question to be endearing rather than annoying.

Once she got past the shock, of course.

"Jack, meet the Spy Twins, one who uses a bow and arrow, and one who likes to stab things. And here we have Dr Jekyll, who can do _extraordinary_ things with gamma radiation. Guys, Di Immortale, here, is an old friend of mine."

Jack nodded, a smirk playing on his lips, "Tony is _very_ friendly."

Natasha, Clint and Bruce stared incredulously for a full three seconds, befroe Clint finally spoke.

"I'm sorry, can we go back to the bit where you're in a _morgue?"_

Jack shrugged, before he began to climb off the slab, "Sure. I got shot in the head and they thought I was dead."

"You were shot in the head!?" Bruce asked in disbelief befre pausing. Natasha figured that he had just noticed exactly _how_ naked Jack was, as the man stood before them... not hiding anything.

"That happens to you a lot, doesn't it," Tony asked Jack, who nodded.

"Yeah, I don't know why, but I tend to get shot in the head more than the torso."

Natasha, not sure what to do with that, settled on elbowing Clint when the other looked like he was about to speak.

"So, thanks for the rescue from the morgue," Jack continued, grinning devilishly at all of them, "I imagine things would have been a lot more complicated for me if you hadn't. Hey, what are you doing here anyway?"

"We got chased by... I have no idea what those were, actually," Tony answered promptly. "Ended up hiding out in here."

"An unknown thing chasing you, huh? Sounds like something I could help you out with."

Clint snorted, "I'm not-"

"Thanks Jack!" Tony cut him off, "We'll stick around to make sure that you don't end up back in the morgue after all's said and done."

"You are a _true_ hero, Tony Stark," Jack responded, moving towards the door. Natasha, Clint and Bruce were all too surprised to even attempt to stop the still-naked man, before he left, he looked back at them and gave a full-blown smirk, "Anyone up for a celebratory orgy when this is done?"

Natasha responded before she could even think, "If you survive, Captain, then I'm down."

Jack and Tony just cackled, before Jack sauntered, completely naked, out the door.

Natasha, Clint and Bruce stared after him for three seconds before turning incredulously to Tony.

"Okay," Natasha said, "that one is going to need explaining."

Tony smirked, "Let's just say that he's a lot more fun than our Cap and that I can't _wait_ for the others to meet him when he turns up at the tower for the orgy tonight."

There was a long, horrified silence as they all thought about what that meant, before the sounds of small explosions and gunfire could be heard from the distance.

"Sounds like Jack's got everything under control," Tony announced confidently, before leading the way out of the room.

Natasha, Clint and Bruce followed automatically. The last ting Natasha remembered hearing before they were lost to a sea of impossible chaos was Clint's voice muttering from the back.

"Neither of them explained how the hell he ended up in the morgue."


End file.
